All Adult Jokes

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

The doctor said , "Larry, the good new is I can cure your headaches the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles"

Larry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

Salesman replied, "Been in the business for 60 years!" Larry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Larry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Salesman replied, "Been in the business for 60 years!" Larry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Larry was adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Salesman replied, "Been in the business for 60 years!" Larry tried on the shoes, and they fit perfectly!.

Larry walked comfortably around the shop and salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Larry's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Larry laughed, "Ah ha!, I got you!, I have worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 size underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"I got every word," says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with a wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

A man took his wife to the Calgary Stampede and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. ...The wife poked her husband in he ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife got really excited and said, that's once a day. "You could REALLY learn something from this one"

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he is expected to make a full recovery.

A prominent Canadian doctor was visiting an American hospital. During his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was painly and vigorously masturbating.

"My GOD," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?"

The local doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I'm afraid this man was diagnosed with a very unusual, yet serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles." "Oh, yes, of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he were quite familiar with the condition.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male patient a blow job.
"GOOD GOD!" exclaimed the Doctor, "How do you explain this?"

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"

The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

Dad's Advice

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

Vaseline Miracle

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time.

As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.

So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.

At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

The Sex Therapist

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

Blowjob

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how ’bout a blowjob, 25 bucks?”

The priest says, “What’s a blowjob?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the center of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s a blowjob?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blowjob?” the priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the nun, “same as in town.”

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidentally sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.

A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.

Fat-Head

Santa, his wife, Jeeto, and their seven-year-old son, Pappu, walk into an ice-cream shop.

Santa says, "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There are really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big car. See that nice big car parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

Good Table Manners

Three sisters decided to have their wedding on the same day and their honeymoon in the same apartment but in different rooms. On the night of their honeymoon, their mother visited each room to make sure that there was no problem. From the first room she heard her eldest daughter laughing and shouting (ha.. ha.. ha..). From second room, she heard her second daughter crying ( hu. hu. hu.). But from the third room of her youngest daughter it was absolute silence (???????).

Next morning during the breakfast:

Mother: Why were you shouting and laughing last night?

Eldest: Of course I was so happy and enjoying !!!!!

Mother: What about you, why were you crying?

Second: It was very painful.

Mother: and you were quiet, I wonder why?

Youngest: Mom, you taught us that 'Don't Talk When Your Mouth is Full'.

$ Tattoo

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned, "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my peni$," ! He said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his peni$?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
"Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money..... "

Three, I like how money feels in my hand...

And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Little Margie usually slept through class.

One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, Margie, who created the universe?"

When Margie didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

The nun said, "Very good", and Margie fell back asleep.

A little while later the nun asked Margie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Margie didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.

"Jesus Christ!",shouted Margie.

The nun said, "Very good" and Margie fell back asleep.

Then the nun asked Margie a third question

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again Margie didn't stir and Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

A British Diplomat visits India. The Indian Prime minister is showing him around. They pass the Parliament House and find a man pissing on the wall.

The British Official asks in Hindi: "daekho saalaa muut rahaa hai! tumharaa police nahin pakarta? kaisaa daesh hai Bharat?" (Look, the bugger is pissing. Doesn't the police catch hold ? What a country!)

Undaunted, the Pradhanmantri replies: "Nahin. Ham Hindustani log apnaa lund khud pakartaa." (No, We Indians hold our dick ourselves.)

A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at both of them and said, " You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom & completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon".

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?".

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back."

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What's the difference between Bottle and Lady?
A: Bottle if filled first and then corked, lady is corked first and then filled.

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop catches and condoms catch drops.

Q: What's the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, while riding a
woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's a gynaecologist ?
A: The only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Wife: If I were to sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought that comes to your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.

Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg
was the afternoon meal & my left leg was the evening meal, which would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals

A divorced Couple was contesting for possession of the child.
The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the Pepsi machine and a can comes out -

A wife asked her husband: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"

Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
She replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'